CAST: FM - an awkward, possibly grotesque man with discoloured skin, dressed in modern stand-up comedian wardrobe
SETTING: The stage of a comedy club
FM enters and approaches the stand-up microphone with a stiff gait, shielding his eyes from the bright stage lights. He picks up the microphone, growls a few times, and clears his throat.
FM: Hiya, folks. How's everybody doing out there? Are you ready to have a good time? All right, we've got a great show for you tonight, we've scared up some really terrific entertainment. Before we get started, can I tell you about something that’s bugging me? I went to my doctor today and told him, "Doc, I haven't been feeling myself lately." He said, "Well, who have you been feeling?" I said, "Doctor, I've got a ringing in my ears" He said, "Don't answer!" I said, "I think I broke my arm in three places." He said, "Stop going to those places." Finally, the doctor says "We need to perform surgery on your hand." I say, "Will I be able to play the piano after?" He says, "I don't see why not." And I say, "Well, I couldn't play before."
(reacts to audience groans by groaning himself)
Ugh, I'm a monster, I know. I was so ugly when I was born, Doctor Frankenstein slapped himself. I asked "Doc, why can’t I have the skin of a 20 year old." He said "I was afraid you'd stretch it out." I know what you're thinking, I look like a cross between Richard Nixon and the Elephant Man. You know what? I am!
(pointing to different parts of his body)
A priest, a monk, and a rabbi were in a boat... So, I'm walking down the street, this fella comes up to me and says "You've got the same nose as a guy I knew in the Navy." I said, "Maybe I do. When did he die?" I've been told I've got the heart of an investment banker, the lungs of a coal miner, the liver of an Irish bartender. It's a miracle I'm still walking around.
I told my doctor I was lonely, asked what I should do to attracts girls. He suggested I join a rock band, but I don't have an ear for music. The doctor says I've got a face only a mother could love, but I haven't got a mother. I met one girl who really carried a torch for me. The trouble is, so did the giant mob behind her. I couldn't believe my luck when a girl invited me over for a romantic candlelight dinner. We had a good time for a while but it wound up being murder for her. The doctor finally took pity on me, built for me a beautiful bride... and then he built her mother. My bride has it all — the legs of a supermodel, the face of an angel, the brains of a neurosurgeon, and the shoulders of an NFL linebacker. My bride dresses to kill. Unfortunately, she cooks the same way. What’s more exasperating than a bride who can cook and won’t, is a bride who can’t cook and will.
Not many couples can say they were made for each other and mean it. Sadly, the only thing my bride and I have in common is that we were married on the same day. I knew she was Miss Right, I just didn’t know her name was Always. My bride has a split personality, and I hate both of them. My bride was afraid of the dark — until she saw me naked; now she's afraid of the light. I wouldn’t say my bride is cold, but every time she opens her mouth, a little light comes on inside. I told my bride I was seeing a psychiatrist; then she told me that she's seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. My bride’s not too smart; I told her our kids were spoiled… she said, “All kids smell that way.” You’ve been a great audience! Up next, we've got a guy who's a real scream.
End of scene. Blackout.